TAN IN A BOTTLE
July 11, 2001

I know that reading about my life and how I attribute everyday occurrences to some sort “life lesson” must get a little old at times. Well, brace yourself again. I just stepped out of the bathroom with yet another analogy to grace my self-psychotherapeutic journal. No, it’s doesn’t relate to urinating and how that mirrors one’s own way to rid unhealthy components from life. I am not even going to mention how brushing teeth is similar to the constant friction that must be applied to our characters in order to keep them nice and “clean”. However, I am going to bring up the subject of tans in a bottle. Yes. You heard right. Tans in a bottle. The newest and catchiest instant society product is now sitting my bathroom counter. In self-defense, I just “had” to try it and see if it truly works. Plus, it’s made by a reputable company and is NOT seen on TV every night for a glamorous price of $19.95.

INSERT ANALOGY
So, I went into Target with the sole purpose of buying the Neutrogena Sunless Tanning foam. I know. I live a VERY sad life at times, but I needed an excuse to visit my favorite department store. Anyway, as I was standing in front of the shelved display, I was forced to choose between a foam product, a spray product, and a lotion form of the sunless tanning miracle - all for around $7.99. I was weary. The bottles were orange. I was hoping this was not the color that I was going to turn, similar to the color spray paint cans show on their caps. Blindly, I chose the “Deep” tanning solution. As you can see in my photo galleries, our precious sun has never been kind to my white skin, so I needed a “deep” tan, even if by bottle. I have never had a tan in my life (with exception to when I was three and running nude throughout my town and pooping on neighbors’ lawns. THAT is another story). I even noticed that the bottled advertised a “streak-free” look. What does this really mean? Does that mean my tan won’t look fake? Or does it mean I won’t look like I missed a spot on my back like I usually do when I use suntan lotion? Or does it promise that I’m not going to go running through the neighborhoods nude again once I apply it? Who knows. I bought it anyway.

When I got home, I carefully read the directions. They begin: “blend evenly over freshly cleansed skin.” Yeah. I am a man. We almost never follow directions. So I didn’t clean my skin. Next direction: “Apply sparingly around elbows, knees and ankles.” Um. Ok. Why can’t I put this formula on these body parts? Does this sun tanning lotion really want to discriminate against such valuable areas of my body? I think not. However, I did follow this direction. I wasn’t wanting to look like some circus freak. After all, I was going to turn bright orange anyway. I didn’t need headlights on my knees to guide me when I eventually get to a beach. Then I read the next direction: “Avoid contact with eyes.”  This suggestion caught me off guard. I know I can be stupid at times. And I know that sometimes I need my hand held, but can I say “DUH!” Anything that can change the color of my skin in one hour is not going to be healthy for my eyes. I would like to be able to SEE this sunless tan when it is complete. The directions went on to tell me to avoid contact with clothing and that I should wait one hour before bathing or swimming. Those were reasonable requests.

After reading the directions thoroughly and laughing to myself, I proceeded with the skin-make-over session in my bathroom. I stood there in my shorts and wiped it all over my chest and back. Then I proceeded to my arms and eventually to my face. After all was said and done, I looked back and everything looked the same. I remembered I had to wait an hour, without contacting clothes, and let the “sunless tanning” chemicals work their magic on my lily white skin. In no time, I was a half shade darker, but I really couldn’t tell at first. I went to sleep and discovered a nice outline of my neck on my pillow case the next morning. I guess my sweat during the night had released the tanning chemicals from my pores and I wet the bed with tanning solution. Lucky I bought those light brown sheets at Target as well. Now, I need to write Neutrogena and tell them to add: “Avoid contact with sheets and any other form of fabric for four hours after application.” In addition to my pillow case stain, I found a few splotches of dark skin on my forearms.  This was not pretty. I looked like I had a bad run-in with a brown crayola marker in a deserted ally, and the marker won! The infamous brown marker also attacked the top of my feet and a small place on my back. Unfortunately for him I was quick to apply more solution to the aggravated areas, hoping to cover up any deformities.

Here I am, three days later with a tan that looks semi-real and semi-fake-n-bake. I do have to say that it is weird to look in the mirror in the morning and see my skin a little darker than usual. Ideally, I would love to get a real suntan, but I will have to settle for man’s mimic in the meantime. What fake product will I buy next? I was thinking about butt cheek implants. But I might have to save up for that. Or until they are on sale at Target for $7.99.

Oh, and for those searching for the moral of the story, or an enlightening analogy, here it is: Things that come in orange bottles don’t always make you orange.