POSSESSED BY JESUS
February 24, 2003

I might have touched on this before, but the radio in my truck is possessed. It’s the factory install Ford “graciously” inserted into the designated blank slot during its short trip down the assembly line. Sometimes I think I would have been better off with the blank slot. At least it would have been useful as storage. The AM/FM Cassette player performs like it’s supposed to most of the time, but every once in a while a short will cause it problems.

I first noticed the quirk a few days after I bought the truck back in 1995. At the time, the clock would reset itself almost every time I got into the truck. I thought it was kind of weird, but disregarded it. Then, a few months down the road, the strangest thing happened: the radio turned off by itself just as a good song was starting on my favorite station. I pressed the power button, but nothing happened. The clock light remained off and silence filled the cab. A few minutes went by and the radio popped back on again without warning, and this time instead of just resetting the clock, it reset all of my pre-programmed stations. It defaulted back to 600 AM and I was quickly forced to switch to FM and scan for my station.

This weirdness began to happen somewhat randomly, but I did begin to notice a pattern. The radio would always short out whenever the morning dew was particularly heavy. In the months following, I got used to the glitch and even discovered that I could “pop” the radio back some power if I rolled down one of the electric windows. I was able to use his trick for a while, but the pattern soon began to fail and the radio would die at any time, in any weather, without any notice.

Over the past few years, the radio has shorted out and strange messages have appeared on the display window. The most common “ERROR” has appeared, but so has “000” and a few other encrypted messaged. Once in a while alien looking symbols will show and I look up half-expecting to be beamed to the nearest UFO and probed (that is a different entry).

Soon, my radio took on a personality of it’s own. In the past, whenever a short would occur, the radio would simply die. However, as time went on, the radio would find a random AM station to play, and when I lived in Florida, my radio began to be possessed by Jesus. Yes, the Holy Spirit filled my radio with the sounds of joy and love. Realistically though, my radio had automatically tuned into a Christian AM station and took over the control buttons. I couldn’t turn the radio off. I couldn’t turn the sound up or down. If I inserted a tape, the radio would spit it right out. There was nothing I could do. I was helpless inside my own truck as I was being subjected to backwoods ministry. The supernatural possession would ironically happen after I had done something particularly “wrong” (which was all the time) or whenever Venus rose in the western sky at sunset. Either way, I was fucked.

On the third occurrence, I quickly pulled the truck to the side of the rode, got out and fell to my knees pleading the Lord to remove the thorn placed in my side. He must have heard my anguished plea, because the incidences stopped for a while – at least until I moved to Charlotte. Fortunately now, God can’t find a good enough station in the area to force upon my unwilling ears.

What is in store for my little red truck and the Jesus Possessed radio? Only God knows. But I do have a little trick in mind though. The next time I am having car sex, I will be sure the truck is totally turned off. I don’t need any religious interruptions – just eruptions.