LIVE & LEARN
June 11, 2003

I used 3 personal interaction lessons while shopping at the grocery store this evening. Actually, I have used all of these lessons before, but I never had to exercise them all at once such as I did tonight.

Shortly after I arrived at the store (the same store where I work part-time), I noticed a man walking toward me while I was near the dairy section. I briefly glanced up from the sales weekly in my hand, and I heard him ask, "Trying to find some good deals?" I quickly gave him a positive reply as he passed by. AND as he walked by, I was better able to get a glimpse of him. He was well-dressed and about 5'10", medium build, blonde hair, blue eyes, and offered appealing facial features. I glanced back (hoping to catch another look), but he was already out of view. As I returned to my weekly, I began to wonder is he was just another customer or some other co-manager at work that I had not met yet (since I was new). I decided it didn't matter and made a beeline to the "Buy One Get One Free" orange juice.

Not 30-seconds had past after throwing a few more items in the cart, did this young man approach me again, and this time he smiled as he passed. I politely smiled back and half-hoped he would stop and talk to me. As I was pulling some ice cream of out of the cooler, he approached me and asked me yet another question. "Do you go to Forest Hills Church?"... or something to that affect. Let me tell you, I was quickly disappointed -- not because I thought he was a church-goer, but because I thought he was going to try to invite me to his church. I have been invited to more churches in the past few years than Charlotte could possibly host, so I prepared my come-back a long time ago. I instinctively told him that I did not attend that church, but I currently attend a different church (and named it) and was very happy there.

That didn't phase him, so I went back to the idea that MAYBE he was hitting on me... please God. He introduced himself as Brian and then began to ask me how long I had been in Charlotte, what brought me here, blah blah blah. Just when I thought he was going to ask for my number, he proceeded to tell me that he was a part of an "exciting internet venture" and wanted to know if I would be interested. The word "venture" is a red flag for me. "What kind of internet venture?" I asked. He described some e-commerce product placement shit, causing my mind to wander off to the pizzas nearby that were calling my name. When he was finished, I flashed back and instinctively asked for a business card. By the way, his business card is VOID of an email address. Shouldn't he have an email address if he is in e-commerce? I did give him my email address (the one I rarely check) and told him I just moved and did not have a phone number as of yet (a lie). He was satisfied with that and excused himself. I was then able to finish my shopping in peace.

LESSONS USED ON BRIAN: (including possible alternatives)

1. If a cute guy looks at you in the eye and actually acknowledges your presence, always do a double-take after he has walked by. This will enable you to remember his face and see if he looks back at you. If he does, then you could safely assume that the man could be:
 

a) cruising you for sex.
b) trying to get the nerve to ask you out for a drink.
c) a complete whack job wanting to hunt you down and kill you. You should scream and start yelling "Jesus is coming! Jesus is coming!" This will make him realize you are crazier than he is, and thus he will leave you alone.

2. Always have a quick response to people trying to get you to go to their church. They may be well meaning, but they are fucking annoying most of the time. You should:
 

a) tell them you all ready attend a nice church (and have a name ready).
b) tell them you are gay and like to fuck men up the ass.
c) scream and start yelling "Jesus is coming! Jesus is coming!" This will let him know you love Jesus, but you are crazier than Imelda Marcos at a shoe sale, and thus will not want you at their peaceful church.

3. When approached by annoying sales people (without a clear cut explanation of their product) have a prepared response. You could:
 

a) politely excuse yourself after thanking him for the the consideration.
b) tell them you are communist and all capitalistic pigs should die.
c) scream and start yelling "Jesus is coming! Jesus is coming!"