I'M NOT A GRINCH. HONEST
November 28, 2003

If terrorists ever wanted to kill many Americans, all they would need to do is rig up some synchronized explosives at malls and Wal-Marts across the country on the day after Thanksgiving. The casualty rate would be about 50% of the population! And as a bonus, the survivors wouldn't want to visit the malls anymore, and the market would plummet... making the Great Depression seem like a teenage girl's pity party.

Why would good, upstanding citizens subject themselves to the psychological and physical torture experienced on this day, the greatest shopping event of the year? I believe in free enterprise (and I have the debt to show for it), but I would rather experience the humility of high school again than take one step into ANY mall today. And the government will disavow any knowledge of casualties, but they exist. As I was pouring my coffee this morning, a co-worker from a different department was telling me how a crowd at Wal-Mart knocked a pregnant woman down in the stampede to enter the store. WTF?!? Herds of mindless credit card toting customers shoving a poor pregnant woman to ground? That is wrong... so very wrong. On the other hand, if the pregnant woman HAD had a chance to get into the store, I am sure she would have used her unborn child's existence as a shield and blocking force against others sorting through the 65% off sock bin.

This is my 28th holiday season. And because I am not a thrill seeker, I am not going to visit the stores during the weekend OR on days like this. I cherish my wits more than I do saving a few bucks for a "As Seen on TV" slicer. If there is any day during which the rest of the world is laughing at the U.S., it is today. But the worst part is, this mindless shopping frenzy, disguised in the name of selflessness and Christmas, will last until the end of December. Never mind asking for peace on earth, we are about to experience a full month of hell on earth. Maybe that is why I dislike this season. Of course there are other reasons why I want January 10th to get here fast, but the madness surrounding and controlling every single person around is more than this man can take.

I just want to be able to celebrate the season the way I want to. I don't want Christmas specials featuring the American Idles (misspelling intentional) and Harry Connick Jr. to possess my television from mid-November to April. I don't want to be subjected to "holiday" music in every store and under every gas station awning -- I want to play it on MY time. And above all, I don't want others to determine when MY season of joy and thanksgiving will begin and end. Do I start celebrating when the stores put up the first Christmas tree (July) and stop when they finally remove the red and green merchandise from the clearance aisle (July)? No. I want to start... and will start... when I feel I can truly appreciate and celebrate the season with all of my being. Until then, the malls will have to survive without me, my balcony will be bare of small white holiday lights, and my Christmas cards will remain un-addressed.

To all of you already submerged into the greatest brainwashing scheme of the ages, I wish you the best season ever! For those of us still waiting for a Constitutional amendment banning stores from displaying Christmas merchandise until December 1, I salute you. I'll wish you a great season on December 24.